I believe; help my unbelief

This weekend I had a conversation that reminded me of why Thomas is one of my favourite disciples. In 1992, I was a seminary student in a theological consortium that included a very, very wide theological range (from dispensationalist fundamentalists to evangelicals to Anabaptists to Nazarenes to Unitarians. A number of my profs could be described as being professional theologians but professing no faith. (In fact one who taught the gospels claimed to be an atheist and was clearly of the conviction that Jesus was NOT God). The simple fact is, this was the first time that I had been confronted with liberal intellectual challenges to my beliefs that I could not answer with my conservative personal faith. The problem was made worse when I tried to connect my liberal and conservative conversation partners with each other. I thought if I could not adequately communicate what either position believed, probably they would be able to explain their position and the problems that they had with the other. How wrong I was. The conflict between the two fundamentalist versions of the Christian faith I was holding in tension seemed impossible to reconcile. And just as fundamentalist (and often dispensationalist) evangelical Christianity was intolerant of liberal Christianity, so also my fundamentalist liberal friends dismissed and derided my evangelical faith. In that moment a number of things became clear to me. Just as there is fundamentalist conservative Christianity there is also fundamentalist liberal Christianity (as there is a fundamentalist form of any belief position)

The attacks by each where deep and personal (and unchristian by anyone's definition). Essential to both conservative and liberal Christian fundamentalism was (and is) the discrediting of the other. The reasons each hold for discrediting the other is sincere to be sure, but I, and many others, have been caught in the cross fire. Some of us have just been scared or terrorized, others have been wounded but recovered but others have experienced a mortal blow to their faith.

For myself, my wound was severe, and almost fatal. When the night was darkest, I was as scared about believing as I was about unbelief. I found I lacked words, courage and insight. In this dark night of my soul, a light flickered in the words and love of my dad. I poured out my frustration, my feelings of hypocrisy, my questions, my desperate desire to believe in the simple faith of my youth, and the disquiet of my unbelief. My dad listened and offered me two words. The first was the words of a man pleading with Jesus to heal his son.

“if you are able to do anything, have pity on us and help us." 23 Jesus said to him, "If you are able!—All things can be done for the one who believes." 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out, "I believe; help my unbelief!" mark 9

Those where powerful words I believe; help my unbelief. Those words were a glimmer of light in my darkness.

The second thing my dad said to me was “don’t run from your doubts. In your unbelief I will believe on your behalf” (sorry dad, if that’s not what you said, its what I heard – thanks)

Shortly after my dad’s words of wisdom (and no doubt a lot of earnest prayer) the dark night of my soul began to give way to dawn. My conservative friends and my liberal friends would each have had a different expectation of what dawn would have brought for me. And I think they were equally disappointed.

What I found in the dawn was a deeply Christian faith that was unquestionably centered on Christ but uninterested in the isms of fundamentalism (be it conservative or liberal). In the dawn I found that my questions where stronger than ever before and my doubts had not subsided, but I had found my place as a disciple. There was room for Thomas. I could struggle with belief even as I passionately followed Jesus. I could enjoy a rigorous intellectually coherent faith and also a simple trust in God.

As I continue to post, you will see (I hope) how I have been learning to fold together the hands of doubt and belief. Well time for bed. (I will get to the McLaren and the explanation and adequacy of different doctrines some time soon – if you are interested)

faith doubt spirituality christianity